We are all connected. We all come from the same stuff and when we die we will all return to the same stuff at some point. The purpose of this post is to help people move through unhealthy perceptions they may be holding consciously and subconsciously about their internal and external environment.
Diversity equals life. Our body is evidence of this. We have liver cells, heart cells, blood cells, brain cells, and a whole host of other types of cells. Clusters of them function similarly, but there are other cells that are vastly different from one another. And that’s a good thing because it is the reason why humans are able to exist and function so well. If all of our cells had the exact same functions and acted the exact same, we wouldn’t exist. We need variety in order to be.
The more we move away from a “me vs them” or “us vs them” mindset and towards an all of us viewpoint, it changes the dynamics. It’s no longer looking at a person as an enemy. It’s shifting the goal towards one of compassion. It also helps us look at the situation and analyze why we fear, hate, and/or look down on that category. By focusing on our issue with the category or the stereotypes we’re projecting onto that category, the sooner we can address what is and isn’t true regarding our perception of it.
With all of this said, this doesn’t mean that we have to (or should) be around every person because we’re all from the same source. There are people who are mean, volatile, and abusive. There are those who are so wrapped up in their baggage that they lash out at any and everyone that is “different” from them. There are groups who claim they are “superior” to others to the point that they try to exterminate other groups of people. Or try to oppress other groups of people. There are far too many examples of people displaying cruelty at unfathomable levels. Their actions are abhorrent and wrong. Please don’t subject yourself to their cruelty. And for those who resonate with these extreme groups, please don’t let your pain blind you to the point that you’re willing to harm others or wish them harm.
While I do believe that at the very least the majority of people at their core are good, I acknowledge that not everyone shows that to the world. Social conformity and bystander effect unfortunately occur. People who stay neutral (and “not take sides”) to the point where the bully is able to keep bullying happens. The bully may have a traumatic story, but that doesn’t give them the excuse or the right to traumatize others. Don’t be around these people. It’s not your duty to subject yourselves to them. It’s not your duty to save them. Even if you have compassion for them, you don’t have to be around them. You can have compassion for them from FAR AWAY.
For anyone who wants to work on Me or Us vs them with a topic that is difficult or pairs up with a trauma they went through, please seek out a professional to help address this. You deserve to receive help from others.
For both internal and external, there are a lot of possibilities and variations that could be going on. Below are suggestions, but not a complete list of options. If you have the ebook “Revealing Your Diamond”, you can also test to see if any of those tables are involved in this situation. For me, I noticed using the 12 Houses table was very beneficial in identifying Me Vs them topics I needed to address.
Internal and External Factors:
To subconsciously figure out if you need to address any internal or external factors, you can: pendulum test, sway test, muscle test, and/or body check test. The first three methods can be found on different websites, blogs, and in the ebook “Revealing Your Diamond.”
Body Check Test: Say the statement (aloud or internally) with eyes closed and notice how your body responds to it. Does the statement cause an uncomfortable sensation? Do you notice any physical symptoms? Do you notice any emotions or feelings that you hadn’t noticed before? Do you notice any memories, visuals, sounds, smells, or anything else? A combo of all of it? Write down what is going on and where. If you don’t have a memory but want to know when your disagreement with the statement first started, you can always pendulum test, sway test, or muscle test to determine the age.
Once you figure out what factor you need to address, take your time to figure out what actually bothers you in the “them” category. Is it “them” or is it a stereotype associated with “them”? Is it something that you are projecting onto the “them” category? Is it an unhealthy perception you have about the “them” category? Or is there a new perception you need to add regarding the “them” category to help you have more peace about the whole matter? Some examples are given at the end of this post.
Once you identify what you feel the actual issue is, you can see if there are beneficial statements you need to integrate into your subconscious to help address this issue. Or see if there are limiting statements that need to be cleared out of your subconscious to help address this issue. Or both. Again, these can be identified with pendulum test, sway test, muscle test, and/or body check test.
If you need ideas on statements, in the ebook “Revealing Your Diamond” there are suggested lists of beneficial statements and limiting statements.
Once you identify a beneficial statement you currently don’t agree with subconsciously, you can use Crossy-Cross Position, Cross-Crawl Maneuver, or Figure 8s with Arms to integrate the statement into your subconscious mind. Descriptions of how to perform those can be found in Aim for Average blog.
Re-test afterward to make sure the beneficial statement has been integrated into your subconscious. Re-test to make sure that factor has been cleared.
Internal Factors:
- Me vs inner adult
- Me vs inner child
- Me vs inner teen
- Me vs my abilities
- Me vs my body
- Me vs my common sense
- Me vs my emotional intelligence
- Me vs my emotions
- Me vs my expectations
- Me vs my intelligence
- Me vs my intuition
- Me vs my likability
- Me vs my limitations
- Me vs my mind
- Me vs my physical appearance
- Me vs my physical limitations
- Me vs my reputation
- Me vs my spirit
- Me vs my thoughts
- Us (body/mind/both) vs my spirit
- Us (body/spirit/both) vs my mind
- Us (child/adult/both) vs inner teen
- Us (child/teen/both) vs inner adult
- Us (spirit/mind/both) vs my body
- Us (teen/adult/both) vs inner child
External Factors:
- Me or Us vs abilities/disabilities
- Me or Us vs academic systems
- Me or Us vs age group (child/teen/adult/geriatric)
- Me or Us vs authorities
- Me or Us vs business dynamics
- Me or Us vs communities
- Me or Us vs counties
- Me or Us vs countries
- Me or Us vs cultures
- Me or Us vs differing opinions
- Me or Us vs Earth
- Me or Us vs ethnicities
- Me or Us vs family dynamics
- Me or Us vs friend dynamics
- Me or Us vs foods
- Me or Us vs genders
- Me or Us vs government systems
- Me or Us vs industries
- Me or Us vs information
- Me or Us vs medical systems
- Me or Us vs nature
- Me or Us vs other
- Me or Us vs physical appearances
- Me or Us vs politics
- Me or Us vs races
- Me or Us vs religions
- Me or Us vs school dynamics
- Me or Us vs science
- Me or Us vs sex(es)
- Me or Us vs specific group
- Me or Us vs specific person
- Me or Us vs spiritual practices
- Me or Us vs states
- Me or Us vs truth
- Me or Us vs work dynamics
Examples:
Me vs things long term:
If I don’t do a task or hobby for at least a certain amount of time, then it’s not worth putting the effort towards. For a hobby, I need to put at least five years of time into my hobby otherwise it’s not worth getting into. For a task, I need to put at least four hours into the task or it’s not worth performing.
By recognizing these subconscious beliefs exist, they can be cleared out and replaced with beneficial statements like:
- Anything I try and experience in any time frame changes me and my perspective for the better.
- Doing a task or hobby because it brings me joy is a great reason to keep doing it.
- Doing a task or hobby because it soothes me is a great reason to keep doing it.
- If I like the experience and am able to do it, I’ll keep doing it.
- If I try a task or hobby and decide to let it go, that’s okay.
- It’s worth trying a task or hobby for the experience of it.
Me vs spiritual agreements:
Me vs spiritual agreements: against spiritual practices that use belief systems to exclude me, isolate me, work against me, break me down, make me feel unworthy, and/or are used to mistreat my loved ones and/or myself
The people who are using these spiritual practices are doing this because of their personal issues. They may have insecurity issues. They may have issues with control. They may have issues where they feel powerless. They may have issues with unworthiness.
The core problem (to me) is we have families, communities, and/or societies that make people feel inherently bad about themselves and view themselves as “less than”, “unworthy”, “worthless”, and/or “unlovable”. They may be conditioned that if they act a certain, specific way they are rewarded (or at least not punished), and if they act any way outside of that, then they are punished.
When this occurs, a concept like this comes into play: “There are two kinds of people: those who think, ‘I don’t want anyone to suffer like I did.’ And those who think, ‘I suffered, so why shouldn’t they?’” Another concept is: “I need to point out the worst in others so the focus (and punishment) won’t be on me.” Social conformity and conditioning are powerful contributors to all of this. An example of this can be found at the end of this post about five monkeys.
By recognizing all of the above, my perceptions of spiritual practices change and I don’t internalize the things others are projecting onto me and my loved ones. I can also check to make sure I believe the following beneficial statements:
- Changing my perception of myself is my responsibility.
- God (deity) accepts me as I am.
- God (deity) accepts my loved ones and I as we are.
- God (deity) is reliable.
- God (deity) loves me as I am.
- God (deity) loves my loved one and I as we are.
- God (deity) supports me in ways that are for my highest good.
- God (deity) views me as good.
- How I perceive myself is my responsibility.
- How I view myself is my perception.
- How others perceive me is their responsibility.
- How others view me is due to their perceptions.
- How others view their reality is their responsibility.
- I am able to alter my perceptions of myself.
- I am able to alter my perceptions of reality.
- I am good.
- I am worthy of God’s (deity’s) love and respect.
- I create healthy perceptions of myself.
- It is safe to alter my perceptions of myself.
- It is safe to alter my perceptions of reality.
With any of the statements above, please alter them to fit with your spiritual practice. If you don’t have a spiritual practice, you can try out terms like “Universe” or “Source” if you would like.
For atheists, you could even try “If God does exist, . . .” like “If God does exist, they love me as I am.” Whether we like it or not, we all have religious programs be they personal or inherited. By using this phrase, it respects your practice while at the same time heals any subconscious limiting spiritual/religious programs that may be at place.
Again, this doesn’t make the behavior of those using spiritual practices for bigotry okay. And it also doesn’t mean I have to subject myself to their condemnation.
For me, it’s put me in a space where I feel compassion for those with such spiritual practices. They were taught to fear their deity and that, if they don’t ask in specific manners, they will be severely punished. They have such fear that they can’t even bring themselves to challenge the beliefs they were taught. They are missing out on so many beautiful experiences in life due to this fear. And only they know the internal reprimanding and condemning they are constantly doing to themselves. Fear-based practices aren’t healthy for anyone. It’s not good for the body-mind-soul.
By coming from this space, I notice my overall well-being is better. I can’t control anyone else’s beliefs or how they view me. I can control to a degree how I view myself and my beliefs. This helps me cope with dealing with those kinds of people who are hateful and condemning.
If this manner of thinking is uncomfortable or doesn’t resonate with you, then don’t do it. I’m only sharing what works for me, but fully understand that this may not work for everyone. Please focus on an outlook that is best for your mental health.
Why would this happen?
Below are some suggestions of how people get caught up in this Us vs them mentality on a more subtle level. It by no means is a complete list and for each person their reasons may vary. And their reasoning may differ for each topic. It also doesn’t excuse anyone’s behavior and doesn’t justify what they are doing. This is just to offer how as a society we could accidentally be creating this and programming people to think this way starting from childhood.
Competitions, Comparisons, Contrasts, Oh My!
If there is a best, there must be a worst?
Competing isn’t inherently bad. In fact, competing with others has been found to be helpful with overall development. The issue (like anything else) is if it’s taken to an extreme.
There are those who view any place other than first as last place. They feel if they didn’t win, it means they’re a loser. They feel if they didn’t win, the only explanation is the other team cheated. They feel if they didn’t win, then it was all for nothing. They weren’t taught (or didn’t take in the lesson) from a young age that failure is a normal part of life. Or, they were severely punished and criticized for failing, so they have been trained to think they can never fail. An unfair level of expectations was placed on them from an early age and they feel that failure is not an option.
Fact is, no one succeeds or wins 100% of the time. Our failures are an opportunity for growth and development.
Subjective Competitions:
Who is the most beautiful? Who is the most talented? Who is the best performer? Who is the best athlete? Who is the best . . .?
When we get into these types of questions, there isn’t a true winner. Most of these questions are very subjective, based on personal opinion. The issue is that a lot of people can’t help but compare themselves to the person who “wins.”
If only certain physical characteristics are attributed to beauty time and time again, people will assume other characteristics are not beautiful. And if they do no have the certain physical characteristics these “most beautiful” people have, they may internalize that as proof they are not beautiful. Some may go to extremes to try to achieve those characteristics.
Instead, we should be taught and encouraged that there is no such thing as most beautiful. Beauty is subjective. Each one of us finds different physical, mental, and spiritual attributes beautiful. The only right and wrong that exists with beauty is acting like beauty is factual.
Even trying to say someone is the best athlete is subjective. Each athlete’s skills tend to be geared more towards their sport. One athlete may have amazing endurance while another athlete is explosive. There are so many qualities that define athletes and no one holds all of those qualities. No one is the best at every sport in existence. So, calling someone the best athlete doesn’t really make sense.
Another problem that arises when we try to explain why so-and-so is the “best” is we tend to put down and deem those who don’t have those same attributes, especially if another person is deemed best by someone else.
An example would be: Person C thinks Singer A has a beautiful, full voice that shows such emotion. To Person C, Singer A the best singer. Person D thinks Singer B has a unique and expressive voice. To Person D, Singer B are the best singer. Instead of each person celebrating that they have found an artist that touches their soul, they get defensive and angry the other person doesn’t also view their singer as the best. And if either Singer wins an award over the other? Accusations of favoritism or cheating may flare up. Suddenly Person C feels the need to insult Singer B’s talents unnecessarily. Person D attacks Person C’s tastes and decides Singer A is a hack who didn’t “earn” their place. Both Person C & D area acting emotionally immature about the whole situation, but it doesn’t feel that way to either of them due to their childhood baggage (whatever it may be).
But which is better?
There are so many times starting in childhood when we’re asked to pick a favorite. Favorite color. Favorite animal. Favorite sport. Again, there’s nothing wrong with this. It could open up an interesting dialogue.
There are times when there may not be a reason to pick out a “favorite.” Who is your favorite family member? Who is your best best friend? Who is your favorite pet? Who is your favorite author? Who is your favorite artist?
Again, nothing wrong with these questions on their own. The problem can be if we force the person to defend why that person is their favorite in that regard as though there is a “right” answer to a favorite.
Why can’t you be more like . . . ?
There are people who aren’t appreciated for who they are. They aren’t praised for their unique perspective and personality. Instead, they are challenged and criticized for not being like so-and-so. They could be compared to a family member, a friend, a classmate, a co-worker, a peer, or another person.
Believe what we tell you or you’re out:
Fitting into our social circles is imperative for our development. Unfortunately, if our social circles have huge Us vs them dynamics, we are more likely to pick up those same patterns. If we fear being ostracized from that group, there’s an even higher chance of falling in line without questioning anything.
Transference and Feeling-Shifting: Blame Anyone but the One Who Deserves It:
All of a person’s feelings of anger, hopelessness, helplessness, lack of control, and powerlessness may be put on a group who doesn’t deserve it. They want someone to blame for their problems. They need to have a villain in their story. They may look to their family, friends, social circles, media, and the like to help them figure out which group or person is the problem. And because strong emotions are involved, no matter how many facts and examples you give to show that group doesn’t deserve their disdain, they may never acknowledge the information you provide. Because where would those feelings go then? Who would they be able to blame then? And, depending on how cruelly they acted towards that group, they have shame to add to their feelings because they’d have to acknowledge their wrongdoings towards that group.
Social Conformity and Conditioning Example: Five Monkeys:
There is a pretty well-known story about 5 monkeys and a ladder told by Eddie Obeng. His story differs from the original observations by Gordan R. Stephenson in 1967 called “Cultural acquisition of a specific learned response among rhesus monkeys.”
Eddie Obeng tells the story of an experimenter who puts five monkeys into a large cage. There is a ladder in the cage that, if climbed, would allow the monkeys to grab a bunch of bananas.
One of the monkeys attempts to climb up the ladder, but stops when the experimenter sprays him with a stream of cold water before spraying the other monkeys.
The monkey quickly gets off the ladder.
After a while, another monkey attempts to climb the ladder.
Again, the experimenter douses all of the monkeys with cold water.
When the third monkey attempts to climb, the other monkeys pull the monkey off the ladder and beat him in an effort to avoid the cold spray.
A monkey is removed and replaced by a new monkey.
The new monkey spots the bananas and attempts to climb the ladder.
The other monkeys pull him off and beat him.
The experimenter removes another of the original monkeys and replaces him with a new monkey.
The new monkey spots the bananas and attempts to climb the ladder.
ALL of the monkeys (including the one never sprayed) pull him off the ladder and beat him. (YouTube)
The above experiment shows the power of fear, violence, and social conformity. It also shows how fear can easily be taught and transferred to our progeny, even when they never experience the fear firsthand. It’s up to each one of us to question why we have the perceptions we have and why we have the fears we have. It’s up to each one of us to question the validity of our fear and, for fears that are not valid, do what we can to alter our perception of our reality.
Reference:
YouTube. (2009). Eddie Obeng tells Five Monkeys Fable. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhBv1kEGUeE.