If your first instinct is to complete the question with “baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more,” then you’re already on the right track with this blog (Halligan & Torello).
The purpose of this post is to offer a chance to explore what love means to you personally, how you were taught it was expressed, and if that term is currently the best one for you to use on your healing journey.
This blog is a follow-up to the Aim for Average post. In that post, it was brought up that if a person starts by hating or disliking themselves then it may be better to initially aim to be neutral about themselves. It may be that they can’t imagine themselves ever loving themselves.
This post is a half-step between going from neutral to having positive associations about ourselves. This post is for those who don’t hate themselves, but may have an aversion to the term “love.”
You may be ready to take the next step of incorporating positive associations towards yourself, but what if there is a negative association with the word “love.” If you have a negative view of the word “love” then it makes sense why you wouldn’t want to use the term “self-love” in your healing journey or focus on phrases like “I love myself.”
As an aside, the way we are analyzing the term “love” can be done with any word. It could be you are comfortable with the word “love” but “respect” is a term that causes discomfort. You can take these questions and apply them to “respect” or any other word that may be uncomfortable for you.
How do you consciously define love?
Love is defined as both a noun and a verb and has multiple definitions to it. One of the definitions as a noun by Merriam-Webster is broken down into three options: “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties[,] attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers[, and/or] affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests”. A few definitions of love as a verb by Merriam-Webster are: “to hold dear” and “to thrive in”.
Personally, I love the last verb definition of love. Relationships where we are mutually able to thrive sounds like an excellent way to define love.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The Five Love Languages” that goes into five ways we give and receive love. They are acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch (5LoveLanguages). There is another variation that shows seven ways to express love: activity, appreciation, emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, and practical (Truity).
One of the thoughts about love languages is that we all have primary ways we give and receive love. This may be determined by a combo of what we are born with as well as the environment we are raised in. How others showed us what they defined as “love” heavily influences how we define love.
If we are unaware that there are multiple ways to express love, then we may miss out on ways others are showing us affection. We may incorrectly feel a person doesn’t like or love us because they are expressing love differently from how we express it. This goes for all of our relationships.
I recommend researching the languages of love further and looking at the examples given of healthy ways of expressing them.
An example of different love languages is if a person views giving and receiving gifts as a sign of affection while their loved one views touch as a sign of affection, they may miss each other’s cues. The gift giver may be bringing presents to their loved one, but it may not register as deeply to their loved one versus if they hug their loved one. The reverse can hold true as well. The touch-based love one may be physically affectionate with their partner, but it may not register as deeply with their partner versus if they give their partner a gift. Of course, people can have multiple primary or secondary ways of giving and receiving affection. And, once a person is aware of these differences, they may give and receive love in all manners.
This is brought up because there are multiple ways healthy love can be expressed. The better aware we are at defining all of the various healthy ways to express love, the better we are able to 1) appreciate those around us who are showing us healthy love and 2) recognize those who are harming us and/or trying to convince us how they are treating us is loving when it is not.
While we are on the subject of love, let’s define what a healthy relationship is. According to ww.ny.gov, “healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect[,] and open communication between partners and they take effort and compromise from both people. There is no imbalance of power. Partners respect each other’s independence, can make their own decisions without fear of retribution or retaliation, and share decisions.” This can be a great addition to the definition of love.
With all of this said, how do you consciously define love? Write it down. Journal as much as you need to get a clear picture of what love is to you. Don’t like writing? Draw a picture. Pick a song that embodies love to you.
Example definitions: Love is healthy affection in action. Love is mutual affection, honesty, respect, trust, open communication, and healthy boundaries. Love is mutually beneficial and affectionate relationships everyone is able to safely thrive.
Does your subconscious agree with your conscious definition?
Once you have it written, test to see if you also subconsciously agree with it. You can use pendulum test, sway test, muscle test, and/or body check test.
If you don’t subconsciously agree with your definition of love, you can incorporate your definition into your subconscious using one of the methods defined in the Aim for Average blog. If it still seems like it’s difficult to incorporate or the thought of incorporating the definition is uncomfortable or overwhelming, seeking a professional to help you navigate this may be the best course of action.
How were you taught to express love?
Some of us grew up in families where roughhousing was the main method of showing “physical affection.” It could have been fighting. It could have been physically overpowering each other.
Some of us grew up in environments where teasing and name-calling were the main methods of showing “verbal affection.” It could have been being verbally “poked at” because our loved one thinks it’s “cute” to see us mad and irritated.
Some of us grew up in environments where we had someone hovering over us and making all of the decisions for us.
Some of us grew up in environments where our loved ones were never around so we didn’t receive much (if any) physical affection.
Some of us grew up in environments where we were expected to do all of the chores or we were expected to sit and do none of the chores.
There are many ways we were treated where those around us told us they were showing us “love” and we believed them. And they may believe that they were showing love because that’s what they were taught. But that doesn’t make it true. Just because we believe a certain action is love doesn’t mean it actually is.
When you think about the ways you were shown and taught love growing up, do they match with the definition you wrote of love? Do they match with the healthy examples given of the various languages of love?
Again, if diving into this sort of stuff is uncomfortable or you don’t want to do it alone, seek a professional to help navigate this topic. It can be a confusing and muddling experience to learn what we once thought was a healthy way to express love is, in fact, unhealthy and possibly even harmful. On top of that, relationships can be a very gray area when judging how healthy or unhealthy it is. Having a person to speak about it with can be a powerful, liberating, and informative experience.
Is “love” the best term to use right now?
As stated at the beginning of this post, if you have negative associations with the word “love” then that may not currently be the best word to focus on incorporating into your subconscious. Included in the beneficial statements below are words that you can use instead of love.
Unsure what your association is with a word? You can pendulum test, sway test, muscle test, and/or body check test the term.
Using sway test as an example, say the word “love” aloud and see what your body does. Do you sway forward or backward? If you sway forward, you’re moving towards the word. This means you may have a positive association with the word. If you sway backward, you’re moving away from the word. This means you may have a negative association with the word. You can test this out with any word.
Beneficial Statements:
- I admire myself.
- I am authentic with myself.
- I am genuine with myself.
- I am honest with myself.
- I am sincere with myself.
- I appreciate myself.
- I cherish myself.
- I choose and cultivate authentic relationships.
- I choose and cultivate genuine relationships.
- I choose and cultivate healthy relationships.
- I choose and cultivate honest relationships.
- I choose and cultivate loving relationships.
- I choose and cultivate respectful relationships.
- I choose and cultivate sincere relationships.
- I create a loving environment for myself.
- I create a respectful environment for myself.
- I create a safe environment for myself.
- I create an environment I thrive in.
- I have open communication with myself.
- I like myself.
- I love myself.
- I make myself a priority.
- I respect myself.
- I thrive.
- I trust myself.
- It is safe for me to appreciate myself.
- It is safe for me to be genuine.
- It is safe for me to be honest with myself.
- It is safe for me to be sincere.
- It is safe for me to cherish myself.
- It is safe for me to have open communication with myself.
- It is safe for me to love myself.
- It is safe for me to respect myself.
- It is safe for me to show appreciation.
- It is safe for me to show authenticity.
- It is safe for me to show love.
- It is safe for me to show respect.
- It is safe for me to thrive.
- It is safe for me to trust myself.
- It is safe to prioritize myself.
References:
- Halligan D.D. & J. Torello. (1993). What is love. The Album. Coconut Records.
- Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Dictionary by Merriam-Webster: America’s most-trusted online dictionary. Merriam-Webster. Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/
- Discover your love language® – the 5 love languages®. Discover Your Love Language® – The 5 Love Languages®. (n.d.). Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://5lovelanguages.com/
- The Seven love styles. Truity. (2023, February 25). Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://www.truity.com/page/seven-love-styles
- What does a healthy relationship look like? The State of New York. (n.d.). Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look